


the ever twisting knife

by superwholockedin



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Friends, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Internal Conflict, Jealousy, M/M, Misunderstandings, Self-Esteem Issues, i'm going through stuff and this is my emotional support fic, the green monster is evil
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-25 12:48:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22256479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superwholockedin/pseuds/superwholockedin
Summary: “She-she said...it’s you or her. Keith, you have to understand” Lance has the audacity to say that he has to do anything, as though he’s in any position to be making requests.--Keith loses everything in one fell swoop and it feels a lot like drowning
Relationships: Keith/Lance (Voltron), Lance/Nyma (Voltron)
Comments: 34
Kudos: 150





	1. me or her, choose one.

**Author's Note:**

> basically, this story has been sitting in my drafts for a while and i found it today

Keith and Lance had always been an odd pair, they’d be the first to tell you that. They almost never agreed on anything and when they did, they would still bicker about it till they drove themselves insane. But, despite all that, they’d always been best friends. The pair would be the first to defend the other in even the slightest conflict. 

Which is maybe the reason that it hurt so bad when those words left Lance’s lips. Maybe the fact that Lance had been the one to punch out Kane the day he had called Keith a faggot and the fact that the same boy had somehow become his safety net over the years. Maybe that’s why hearing “we can’t be friends anymore” had felt like a knife in his gut. 

He could barely hear himself asking why but he made sure that he could hear the response, he needed to know what it was that could make his best friend make this decision. He listened patiently and silently as Lance explained that Nyma didn’t like him--which Keith couldn’t care less about, honestly. Nyma was Lance’s girlfriend of about 6 months and while he was happy that Lance was so happy and in love, he kinda hated her. She wasn’t a bitch or stuck up or anything--she’d always been sugary sweet and funny and beautiful--but she’d always treated Keith like he was different. He wasn’t sure what it was that made her dislike him but she did. So this didn’t really surprise him. But he never thought that Lance would be the one to agree with her, to take her side, and pick her. 

“Oh.” he can’t bring himself to say anything else. 

“She-she said...it’s you or her. Keith, you have to understand” Lance has the audacity to say that he  _ has  _ to do anything, as though he’s in any position to be making requests. “I think she could really be the one...I think I’m going to marry this girl.”

Silently, Keith prayed that wasn’t true because if Lance married her, he’d never have a chance. He’d lose his best friend forever. The knife twisted in his abdomen. Keith forced his head to form a nodding motion and he flicked his eyes around the room. He couldn’t look at Lance’s blue eyes anymore, not when they were looking at him with so much pity, pity that wasn’t doing anything for him. He couldn’t look at the person who had held him together when he had no one else. 

Keith’s mind raced. He was going to lose everything. Lance was the connecting piece to nearly every other person in his life. He introduced him to Hunk, Pidge, Allura, and Coran. He’d had no one before Lance. Granted, Shiro and Allura were a thing now but she was 3 years older than him and at the end of the day, she’d still pick Lance over him. He wouldn’t be invited out with them anymore and soon, he’d be completely forgotten. 

“Keith, say something.”

Keith shook his head. “There’s nothing to say.” He hoped, prayed, that his actions and words seemed nonchalant. He didn’t want Lance to see how much this was crushing him inside. Instead, he picked up his jacket and helmet and avoided Lance’s gaze as he walked out the apartment door. 

Things changed. Of course they did. 

Not so much that an outsider would’ve noticed. But Keith did, as he clicked through Pidge’s snapchat story-- Lance had unfriended him on everything and while he hated placing value on social media friends, he couldn’t pretend that it didn’t feel like being stabbed all over again. He watched as the screen played back a moment of laughter and jokes that he was sure were more funny in the moment and would’ve made sense if he’d been there. He hated this, he’d always been an introvert, he never would’ve cared about people hanging out without him in the past. But that was a person he doesn’t even know anymore. Ever since becoming friends with Lance, he had barely had a boring day in 3 years. Even doing mundane things with Lance had been exciting. 

Who was he supposed to bake brownies with at 4 in the morning or get drunk off his ass with at 2 pm even though society frowns upon that sort of behavior? Who was gonna call him mullet even though he claimed to hate it? Who was going to force him into the ocean despite the fact that he hated the salt water? Who was going to invite him to family dinners because he had nothing else going on?

Pidge and Hunk had called him after they found out about the situation and assured him that nothing was going to change. They told him that they would still be best friends and that he’d always be a part of their lives. But as he was listening, he couldn’t help but think that it sounded like they were reading some kind of script off to him. In all honesty, it was horrible. 

So instead of giving himself the time to see the snapchats and the lack of texts on his phone, he picked up some more shifts at the garage. He worked his hardest and avoided the diner Lance bused at. 

This plan worked for a solid 3 weeks. He sees Pidge and Hunk a couple of times, for lunch and during classes they had together. It was alright, they were friendly enough with each other. But when school was out, it was different. Keith didn’t go over to Hunk’s anymore--after all he was Lance’s best friend first and those were just the rules. And while Pidge and him had been close, Lance and her had this untouchable bond that came from him helping her through the loss of her brother. Lance was basically Pidge’s adopted family at this point and Keith couldn’t possibly compete with that. So he didn’t spend too much time with her either. That left his brother, Shiro, and Allura and Coran. He reckons he  _ could  _ hang out with them but they were older and he was pretty sure no matter how old he was, he’d always just be “Shiro’s little brother.” So hanging out with them was kind of a no-go. 

But everything was going great, he was making a lot of money, he’d caught up with his classes and his professor had even told him that he seemed a lot more focused and that she had noticed his hard work. So yes, everything was going great. 

Well...until October 23rd, his birthday. His normal birthday had become a celebration over the years. Each year they had spent 24 hours watching movies, going ice skating, playing mario kart, going to a concert or something equally exciting. This year, though, he’d made no plans so far. He’d gone into this knowing that he’d be pushed aside because he was the easiest to lift out. He wasn’t dating anyone in the group, he wasn’t the extroverted, fun loving one who kept things interesting, he wasn’t the smart one who could solve any problem they faced, and he couldn’t cook for them. A part of him knows that it hurts more because he had always known that it was coming. He had always known he was the expendable one. But today was the loneliest and most painful reminder that he hadn’t wanted. 

He spends most of the morning distracting himself, playing his music too loud and studying for his upcoming Spanish quiz because he knows that if he thinks too much about how alone he is, he’ll never stop crying. But he finds himself studying the way that Lance had shown him, back when he was failing Spanish and Lance offered to tutor him and suddenly he’s back at square one. 

When he closes his eyes, he can see the way Lance’s dimples appeared when he laughed at Keith’s stupid mistakes, like when he said his favorite food was “pelo.” He had obviously meant “pollo” or chicken but Keith was terrible at this. And he can see the dumb smile on his face when Lance’s cat, Mittens, jumped on the table and he picked her up. Behind his closed eyelids, Lance is lifting Mitten’s paws and making her dance while singing a song in Spanish. He remembers thinking how adorable he is in that moment. It’s a memory from sophomore year but he remembers it like it was yesterday. 

It was from when they first became friends, when Keith was still terrified that everything he did might scare the other off. Who knew that it would be much later on that that fear would prove to be true? He remembers the way Lance was so persistent, how he clawed his way into Keith’s life, breaking down his walls one by one. Remembers the reasons he was so stubborn to keep him out. Lance was too cool to hang out with someone like him, Lance was too pretty and kind to hang out with someone like him. Lance would find him boring. Remembers every time that Lance proved to him that these were all invalid assumptions. And now, as he sits here, he can still feel how painful it was to walk away from him. 

As he opens his eyes, a tear hits the table, splattering over the ‘a’ on his homework and that does it. It breaks the dam and suddenly he’s standing up. There’s an awareness that he has no idea where he’s going or what he’s doing but he knows that he needs to move because otherwise this panic that’s building up in his chest is going to become more and more suffocating and he’ll die. So instead, he paces. He paces up and down the hallway, hoping and praying for the tears to stop falling down his cheeks and for his chest to loosen up. He’s getting lightheaded and he can’t remember the last full breath he took. His ears are ringing so loudly and everything seems like he’s underwater. And he can’t remember when he closed his eyes but everything’s black and he can’t get them open again.

It’s bad--really bad. Humans need oxygen to survive and right now, he’s not getting any. Normally, he’d call someone--he still has enough mind to know that that’s what he should be doing because the panic attacks and anxiety haven’t been this bad in years. So yeah, normally he’d call someone. But right now, they’re probably an hour into a movie or a laser tag match and he can’t bring himself to pull any of his friends away from that. 

Blindly, he manages to find the wall and leans himself against it. The wall offers some support because at least he doesn’t feel like he’s floating away anymore but it’s barely a comfort. Half of him wishes that he wasn’t alone right now but the other half of him knows that he would be mortified if anyone saw him in this state. It’s pathetic, having this much of a meltdown because someone said they don’t want to be his friend anymore? What is he, a first grader? He should be able to handle this like the 19 year old that he is. 

He doesn’t open his eyes for a long time--long after his breathing has returned to normal and his chest stops hurting and his ears stop ringing.

It’s 2 in the afternoon when there’s a chime on his phone. He picks it up and it’s 2 messages from Pidge and Hunk. 

_ Hey! Happy birthday! Hope you’re day’s going great! :)  _

It’s so generic and short but it brings a smile to Keith’s face because at least this means she didn’t forget and that she cared enough to say something. He types back a quick thank you and tries not to pay attention to the fact that she didn’t say her normal ‘love you’ and chalks it up to the fact that they are more distant now and she’s only slightly better with emotions than he is. 

He looks at Hunk’s message next. 

_ Hey man, happy 19th. Don’t have too much fun.  _

Somehow, it feels mocking to him, even though he knows that Hunk would never, ever say something to hurt him intentionally. But his mind bites at him, telling him that Hunk  _ knows  _ he has no one around and that he has no one to have “too much fun” with. He forces himself to see that Hunk has good intentions and to type back the same, generic thank you to him that he gave to Pidge. 

All in all, the messages brighten his day up a little bit, even if they leave a bitter aftertaste.

Shiro walks in the door at 7 with Allura on his arm and gives Keith a look of shock. 

“I thought you’d be out with your friends till at least 2” 

It confuses Keith because didn’t Shiro know what happened? He wants to yell for him to not rub it in, for him to just leave him alone. Instead, he just shrugs and hopes that they can’t see how red his eyes are. 

“Well, happy birthday, little bro.” He rubs a hand through Keith’s hair before heading up the stairs with Allura. Keith playfully groans at the action but grumbles thanks anyway. 

It’s 2 in the morning. Keith is half asleep, scrolling through instagram at nonsense. His birthday has come and past and he feels exactly the same as he did the day before. But it’s two AM and he gets a notification. 

_ Lance :) has added you as a friend!  _

It’s a snapchat notification. 

He sits up straighter and clicks on it, not really believing it. Why would he add him back now?

Hesitantly, he stares at the  _ ADD  _ button next to Lance’s name and brings his thumb down to click it. 

Almost immediately, a message pops up. 

_ Lance :) is typing… _

Keith’s heart is pounding a mile a minute. Wasn’t this against Nyma’s wishes? Did she know that Lance was texting him at 2 in the morning when he should probably be pressed up against her right now? Why was he texting him anyway? Didn’t he make his choice? 

A small part of Keith prayed that the pair had broken up and that he was typing to tell him that. But logically he knew that that would be too good to be true. 

_ Lance :) sent you a chat! _

He waits a moment, his heart pounding, because he doesn’t want to seem too eager. Then he clicks it. 

**_Keith! Hey. I know this is kinda awk or whateves but...it’s your birthday! (i mean it was...it kind of took me all day to get the guts to send this) Happy birthday! I want you to know that I still care a lot about you and that I hope you’re happy. Hope you had an amazing birthday, mullet. <3_ **

The message is  _ so  _ Lance. His awkward cheer spreads across the chat and it feels so normal to read a message from him. Easily, Keith can hear his voice in the words as he reads them and it brings a smile to his face for a second before he remembers that this is more of Lance being too nice for his own good than anything else. 

He has to stare at it for at least 5 minutes to gather his brain cells again and finally move his fingers. 

_ Hey...thanks. Better late than never, so it’s all good.  _ __   
  


He leaves it at that. He figures it is short enough. Says what he wants without making Lance think that his actions were okay or that he’s even really okay with him reaching out to him at all. Also, he figures that maybe Lance is just being overly nice to him and if he starts being too comfortable, he’ll stop responding and Keith doesn’t want him to not respond. 

**_So how’d your day go? Was the party more lit this year than last? Kinda sad that I couldn’t be there._ **

He hadn’t actually expected an answer or an invitation to a conversation. He’d expected a “no problem” or even just “np.” A big part of Keith hates that Lance is being so casual about this, as though he missed his birthday because he was sick or something. But he was never good at staying angry at Lance so the feeling is fleeting. 

_ It was okay. There was no party so don’t worry, you didn’t miss out.  _

It’s a long time before Lance types again. So long that Keith actually worries that he won’t. The empty blue arrow taunts him until finally it changes. 

**_What do you mean there was no party?_ **

And damn. If Keith’s heart wasn’t already broken, Lance pretending that he didn’t know  _ exactly  _ why there was no party really did it. Before he can respond, Lance types out:

**_So what did you do today? What happened with Hunk and Pidge?_ **

The tears are back in Keith’s eyes as he reads the message and the anger in his chest in hot. 

_ I studied for Spanish and listened to music. Nbd. They texted me happy birthday.  _

He’s trying. So hard. To keep it together. To pretend that spending the whole day alone didn’t crush him inside. 

**_Get dressed._ **

Keith was wide awake now, sitting up in his bed. 

_ What????  _

Lance didn’t respond. 

Fuck. 

Unable to think of anything better to do, Keith pulled on his jeans and a t-shirt and waited. He checks the mirror, making sure that his eyes aren’t as swollen and red as he feels like they are. Turns out they’re only slightly as bad as he had thought, but he’ll take it. 

**_Come outside._ ** The message comes 40 minutes later.  ****

When he gets in the car, slowly, he avoids Lance’s gaze. Lance in return says nothing as they pull away from his house. 

They are about 2 miles from his house when he finally works up the courage to speak. 

“So are you going to tell me why you are kidnapping me?” Lance doesn’t say anything, just pulls into a parking lot and puts the car in park. “Hello?” Keith can’t help the attitude in his voice now. He just wants this day to be over. He doesn’t want the reminder of what he’s lost. 

Finally, Lance turns to look at him. He doesn’t say anything, though, and Keith feels his anger boil over. 

“Look, I don’t know what this is but if you’re not going to say anything, just bring me home. I just want this fucking day to be over with, okay? I did what you asked me to do and I left you alone and now you want to talk? I don’t--” 

The hands on his cheeks and the lips on his come from nowhere and he freezes. It takes a moment for it to register that it’s Lance. Lance is kissing him. 

And just as soon as he was there, Lance is pulling away. 

“Fuck.” Keith watches in shock as Lance places his hands--the hands that had been cupping his chin seconds ago--on the steering wheel and puts his forehead against them. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t the way it was...I had this...whole…” He trails off and when Keith feels like the world has returned upright, he blinks slowly. 

“Whole...whole what?” he stutters out. His lips feel heavy as though Lance is still there. 

Lance is silent again and then he’s pulling the key out of the car and opening his door. The cold air hits Keith as he sits, frozen to his seat. He kind of feels like getting out of the car right now will be a huge mistake but what else can he do?

“Come here.” 

Hesitantly, Keith takes off his seatbelt and climbs out. He follows Lance as he leads him down the field. This field is where he and Lance had become friends. The Tuesday morning when Lance had asked if he wanted to ditch homeroom with him. Where the two of them had drank overly sweet coffee and picked at the grass for 2 hours. Where they had talked about everything, about their lives and about what they were going to do after they finish high school. It’s when they became best friends. Being back in this field hurts Keith’s brain but he supposes that in light of recent events, it isn’t too bad. 

As they come up to the middle of the field, there is a light coming from the ground. A light that, as they approach, proves to be multiple candles on top of a blanket. 

“It’s...it’s not much, it’s kind of crappy because it was last minute but. I just...you told me that you didn’t have a party and that you spent all day alone and I just knew I had to do something for you.”

“What about Nyma?” He speaks up after a beat of silence. He almost doesn’t want to know the answer but he knows he has to. He knows that it wouldn’t be right to her if her boyfriend is sitting in a candlelit field with a boy who he just kissed. 

Lance kicks the dirt with his old sneaker. “Nyma and I...well it’s a long story but I figured some things out and well...Nyma and I, we broke up.”

Time is frozen and Keith’s mouth feels dry. He can’t think of anything to say so he just says: “Oh.” He knows he should say that he’s sorry or something to comfort him but he can’t. He doesn’t feel bad that they broke up. He doesn’t feel anything, really. Except anger. He knows Lance wants him to be happy that they can be friends now but he can’t. All he feels is how angry he is. That now. After everything, now Lance wants him back.

“So...so that’s what this is? You...you’re lonely so you decided to mess around with me? He knows that his face is getting flushed with anger, can feel it under his eyes. 

“What...no! That’s not--I didn’t mean--”

“I think I know  _ exactly  _ what you mean. Well, no, that’s not how this works. You don’t get to decide when you want me and when I should just disappear! I’m not just some toy for you to play with when you get bored!”

“Keith--”

“Just take me home Lance. Today has been horrible enough without me having to listen to your dumb excuses” Keith turns his body away from Lance and the candles and the blanket. He feels so stupid because some part of him had actually believed that Lance wanted to take him on this picnic soley because he missed him, not because he was missing having someone. He was so stupid to think that, though, because if Lance choosing Nyma was any indication of how much Lance cared about him, he should’ve known better to begin with.

“Keith, no, please just listen to me, okay? This wasn’t supposed to be--” Lance pleads, reaching out for Keith’s shoulder and  _ if he touches him right now, Keith will break. _

He twists quickly out of Lance’s reach and backs up in the direction of the car. “Fine. If you won’t take me home, I’ll walk.” And with that, he’s turning on his heel and marching through the grass. He knows a shortcut to get to his house anyway so it’ll actually be faster this way, he justifies to himself. 

It’s 3 months before he hears from Lance again. He makes new friends at school, this guy in his Anatomy class and a girl in his biology class. Brendan is kind and funny and Wendy is a sweet girl. Overall, he enjoys hanging out with them and he’s happy most of the time. It’s easy to ignore it when he sees Lance and Pidge and Hunk around the school. It’s easy enough to feel normal, even when Shiro and Allura ask him questions about his old friends. 

And when the boy in his Spanish class asks him to see a movie with him, he says yes because what reason does he have to say no.


	2. Chapter 2

“Where’s Keith?” Pidge had asked when he had been missing from dinner the first night. Hunk met her confused look with his own. The two of them looked over at the couple sitting across from them. 

Nyma let out an awkward cough as she moved off of Lance’s lap and looked at the table. Lance shuffled awkwardly as well next to her, guilt filling his features. After a beat, Nyma looks up and says: “He uh, he’s not going to eat with us anymore…” 

“What?” Hunk speaks first. “Why not?” 

“It’s a long story but Keith and I aren’t friends anymore” Lance begins, “I mean, I don’t want this to change anything for you guys, okay? He’s still your best friend, I’m just not going to see him anymore.”

“What do you mean? Lance, you and Keith are inseparable, what could’ve possibly--?” Something doesn’t add up. Lance and Keith were like two sides of the same coin, there’s no way that they could wake up one day and decide to never see each other again. 

“I...I don’t think that Lance wants to talk about it” Nyma cuts her off, placing a hand on Lance’s shoulder. “He was really upset about this and he doesn’t want this to change anything for you guys. So can we just drop it?” 

It still doesn’t sit right with Pidge but Lance does look genuinely broken up about it, biting his lip and looking down at his hands. So, she bites the questions down for another time. 

She calls Keith as soon as dinner is over and talks to him. She tells him that she doesn’t know all the facts but that they were still friends and that nothing was going to change between them. He thanks her and tells her that he’s glad to hear it. The call is short and to the point but she feels better knowing that she’s said it. 

Two weeks later, Pidge’s roommate leaves for the weekend and naturally, she throws a small party. She invites Lance, Hunk, Nyma, Shiro, Allura, and Coran and a couple of her other classmates. Her finger hovers over Keith’s contact before she realizes that she should probably find out if Lance is okay with him being there. Faintly, she notices that her last text conversation with Keith was over a week ago and that she has to scroll all the way down to find it. She makes a side note to text him soon and then puts her phone down, heading to Lance’s room. She knows it’s kind of late but she knows better than to think that Lance is sleeping.

“Yo, loser” she opens his door. She’s unsurprised to find him and Nyma on the bed, half naked and in a compromising position. It’s happened so many times at this point that she just shuts her eyes and continues over their exclaims. “My roommates out of town this weekend and I’m throwing a rager.” she announces as she hears them shuffling. 

“Yes!!” Lance cheers. “Finally, my Pidgeon has finally joined the dark side!” he had been trying to get her into partying for years and she’d always resisted, saying that she didn’t need to party to have fun--which was true, but now the group seemed to need a mood booster and this was the perfect opportunity. 

“Shut it, pea-brain, I’m only throwing it because I hate her guts and I hope a drunk idiot pukes on her bed.” she defends, crossing her arms and Lance chuckles. 

“You can open your eyes, by the way” he laughs. 

She opens her eyes and they’re now both fully dressed and sitting on the bed. 

“Thank God” she mumbles and Lance throws a pillow at her. “Hey! Don’t injure me or the party is off!” 

“Oh no,” he jumps off the high rise bed, rushing to her side and pretending to look her over for injuries, “are you injured? Do you need medical attention? Quick, Nyma, call 911--” 

She lightly smacks him, “Dork.” He straightens up and laughs. 

“It’s part of my charm” 

“Anyways! I came in here to specifically ask you a question”

“Fire at will” 

“How would you feel about me...inviting Keith?” 

The air in the room gets heavy at that and Lance steps backwards. “Oh” 

“I mean, I’m asking because...I know I still don’t fully understand everything but...if it’s too much, I won’t. But he’s still one of my best friends and I really don’t want to leave him out…”

“No, no, you should invite him. I’m a big boy, I can suck it up for one day. Besides, you’re right, it wouldn’t be right to leave him out” He smiles and it almost looks sincere. 

“You’re sure that you don’t mind?” 

“Yes, I’m sure, don’t worry your pidgeon head about me” he snorts, running his gross hands through her hair. 

“Ew! Don’t touch me I don’t know where those hands have been!” she squirms, “Now, go back to doing whatever you were doing,” she quickly adds “I don’t want to know about it” and heads out the door, smiling at the sound of Lance’s laughter. 

She heads to her room and opens her phone. She begins to type out the invite for Keith until she catches a glance at the time--1:54 AM.  _ Oh.  _

It’s fine, though, she will go down to his house tomorrow morning after breakfast and invite him in person. She’s been meaning to see him anyway. 

The next morning, though, she’s sitting in the dining hall, a bowl of trix in front of her, when Nyma slides into the booth in front of her. Pidge blinks. She was kind of indifferent about Nyma, if she’s honest. She was happy if Lance was happy but she didn’t think that Nyma was the best that he could do. But the two of them never talked, not one on one like this. Pidge wasn’t one to get nervous easily but the thought of trying to find common conversation topics with the blonde girl in front of her definitely made her uneasy. 

“Hey…” she starts quietly. “Good morning” 

She gives Pidge a small smile, “Hey.”  _ Here comes the silence,  _ she thinks, but thankfully, she doesn’t have to worry long as Nyma begins immediately talking. “Um...so I wanted to talk to you about something...just. You can’t tell Lance that I’m doing this. He’d be...mortified.”

“Doing what?” Pidge squints. 

“Look, I know Lance is good at throwing on a smile and saying he’s alright.” and she’s not wrong, you could probably stab Lance and he’d whine about it but still ask if you were okay, “But...after you left last night, he was really upset and out of it. I asked him about it and he wouldn’t say much but...I’m pretty sure it had to do with you inviting Keith.”

“Oh” Pidge bites her lip, unsure what she could or should say. 

“Yeah...and I know you guys all go way back and I really don’t want to overstep here but...I just think that he’s not as okay with it as he says.”

“I didn’t…” she shakes her head, remembering Lance’s almost convincing smile. “I didn’t realize…”

“I know, he’s a good actor.” Nyma comforted. “I only know because I spent the whole night with him. And all night he was just really...distant from me and lost in his own world.”

“Do you…” Pidge knew that she shouldn’t ask but Nyma was the only one who was close enough to Lance to know the answer. “Do you know what happened? Between them?”

Nyma sighs and closes her eyes for a moment. “I shouldn’t tell you this…but apparently, Keith didn’t really like me too much…or more so hated me.” This was news to Pidge. Sure, he hadn’t been crazy about her but he’d never actually had anything against her as far as Pidge knew. “He told Lance that he thought I was too clingy and...other, not so nice, things...basically, he told Lance to choose between me and him.”

“Why...why would he do that?” That didn’t make any sense, why would Keith make Lance choose? After everything they’d been through together, Pidge couldn’t see Keith just deciding to end their friendship over a girl he didn’t care for. 

Nyma shrugs her shoulders. “All I know is that Lance was really broken up about it. That’s why I really don’t think he’s ready to see him again.”

Silence fell over the two of them as Nyma pulled out her phone and checked the time. 

“I’m sorry to just do this and run but I have bio in 20 minutes.” she sheepishly explains. Pidge gives her a small smile and assures her it’s alright. “Just..please think about what I said and don’t tell Lance I talked to you, I’m really just trying to look out for him…” she pleads and after a beat, Pidge nods. 

“Of course, your secret’s safe with me.”

So Pidge, despite her doubts, made up her mind. She didn’t want to hurt Keith but she couldn’t make everyone else uncomfortable just for him. And if he’d been the one to make Lance choose, he couldn’t be upset or surprised that he wasn’t invited. At least that’s what she told herself as she made her way back to Lance’s dorm--instead of Keith’s--after eating breakfast. 

When Pidge woke up the morning after the party, she could barely remember how she ended up in the bathtub wearing cat ears with face paint on. Blinking, she stood up and looked around. She was surrounded by red cups and streamers. Peeking out of the bathroom, Lance and Nyma were knocked out on the bed, their heads resting on Hunk’s chest. Two girls from her chemistry class were sleeping on the couch and a boy from her coding class was leaning against the door. Shiro and Allura were nowhere to be seen but she figured they probably left sometime during the party. She smiled as she took in the sight, even as the daylight threatened to make her head explode. 

She pulled her phone out and snapped a picture of her best friends and quickly sent it to their group chat. She realized, a second too late, that Keith was in that group chat. Fighting the panic that rose in her chest, she took a deep breath and rationalized that she’d explain when she saw him in person. The damage was done already and as much as she wished she could reach into the sky and grab the picture back, there was nothing that could be done. Especially now, when the page refreshed and showed  **_seen by: Keith._ **

Sighing, she tapped on his name and brought up their private chat. 

_ Hey!  _

“Ugh, who turned on the sun?” Lance groaned, pulling her gaze from her phone. She smirked. 

“Shh” she pointed to the two next to him who were still fast asleep. “Come here”

“I don’t wanna move” he groaned again, his voice at least a whisper this time. 

“Suck it up, I need coffee and you need to be quiet.”

Slowly--like mountains move faster--Lance moved from his place in the bed and made his way over. His hair was a mess and he was missing a sock, Pidge realized, but she couldn’t be bothered to care. 

“Starbucks?” 

“Please” he said as he grabbed his shoes.

As the two made their way downstairs, Pidge didn’t notice that Keith never opened or responded to Pidge’s text message. She didn’t even realize until that night that she had posted on her story about the party. 

The next time Pidge sees Keith is in English class. He’s missed the past two weeks of class, she realizes. 

“Hey” she slides into the chair. “Haven’t seen you much” 

He mumbles something in response and she can’t but feel unwelcome but she pushes through it. “Do you need the notes from last week? Since you’ve been slacking off?”

Keith lets out a small chuckle at that. “Uh, yeah that’d be great actually.” It’s a small victory but she’ll take it, she decides as she reaches into her bag and pulls out her notebook. “Where were you anyway?”

“Uh,” he shrugs, “just...around.”

“Around?” she raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah, just...stuff happened and class isn't my main priority, okay?” he asks, defensiveness seeping into his voice and she knows that she’s pushing too hard. 

“Okay...sorry” she raises her hands up. He sighs and visibly lowers his guard again.

“No, I’m...I didn’t mean to be like that…” he trails and she just nods, unsure of what to say. Things weren’t usually like this between them. Keith was like a brother to her, he guarded her in a lot of ways without saying anything or being asked. He stood up to professors who talked down to her and made sure she knew she wasn’t alone when things got rough. She didn’t want to hurt him by pushing too hard, even if she was confused and wanting answers. “Thank you…” he says after a brief silence, “for the notes” he clarifies. 

“No problem” she nods slowly and he looks like he might say something else but then the professor is getting their attention and beginning his lecture. She looks back at him one more time before focusing, taking in the way he looks. The bags under his eyes and the grease underneath his fingernails. He’s definitely been working more, there’s cuts on his hands from the places where he slips and hits the burning metal or cuts too close to the edge of his fingers. But besides that, he looks alright. 

Shrugging it off, she turns to the poem the professor has written on the board and starts writing. She misses the way that Keith looks over at her, a pleading look in his eyes. By the time she looks up, he’s blinked it away and turned to the board. 

She never thought that it’d get to this point, never wanted it to, but after awhile they settle into a pattern. She sees Lance at breakfast and dinner and Keith at lunch. Most days, he’s pretty quiet and she and Hunk talk for most of it. Other days, he’s more like himself, talks more about whatever’s going on in class or at home. But he never, ever talks about Lance or Nyma. When she brings Lance up by mistake one day, she watches painfully the way Keith physically curls away from the conversation, focusing on the paper straw wrapper in his hand instead. She quickly changes the subject to something easier but he doesn’t ever rejoin the conversation before they all have to go their separate ways once more. 

Overall, they’re friendly and okay but without Lance...both her and Hunk feel how difficult it is to stay friends with Keith. He’s stopped trying to hang out with them, never coming by the dorms or staying around school longer than class and lunch. He’s always on the run or headed to work. Both her and Hunk are still too afraid to bring up Lance to get his side of the story and so they dance around it but the dance is becoming tiring. So instead, she pulls away. Figures that he needs his space and that he’ll come back when he’s feeling up to it. 

She doesn’t realize where she’s messed up until it’s 2 pm on October 23rd. She’s in the middle of class when it hits her. 

She’d never really been the one to make plans with others, in fact she was usually the one being dragged out to plans. For the longest time, it’d been Lance who had been in charge of birthday celebrations and parties. Which is the reason, she realizes too late that no one had made plans for Keith’s birthday party. She curses herself and quickly types two messages, one to Hunk and the other to Keith. 

To Hunk she types out a message reminding him in a panic that they hadn’t done anything for Keith. To Keith, she types out a happy birthday message. She hopes it doesn’t seem too impersonal or distant and she ponders saying something else for a moment before she’s being pulled away because of a coding malfunction in the robot their working on. 

Later, when she looks at her messages and sees his response--“Thanks for remembering, kid :)”--she smiles and thinks that everything’s going to be alright. 

She doesn’t think anything’s wrong, in fact, until the next morning when Lance turns up at her door at 3 AM with tears on his cheeks.

“I screwed up” he sobs as she pulls him inside. 


	3. Chapter 3

Nyma was not stupid. Despite being a pretty, blonde girl, she was actually quite bright. She had a 4.0 GPA and when it came down to intuition, she was usually spot on. Moments after meeting a person, she could usually tell what their intentions were. 

So from the moment she met Keith, she knew. She knew that it had to be her or him. Because despite popular belief, she really did love Lance. He was the one person who truly understood her when she told him about how it felt being underestimated and he was the only person who had ever treated her with so much respect. He held doors open for her and listened when she spoke about her dreams--and he didn’t even laugh at her for them. He brought flowers and red, blushing cheeks on their first date and did nothing but smile brightly when she wrote him a song. 

She really did love him with all of her heart, even if they’d only known each other for a few months. But she knew that sounded ridiculous and for that reason, she and Lance hadn’t said it out loud to anyone but each other. 

So after 2 months of spending night and day with each other, Lance asked her if she wanted to come meet his friends. She was overjoyed and happily agreed and when they got there, she was pleased to be quickly accepted into the group. But then Keith entered the picture and she saw it. 

She saw the way that he blushed when Lance said his name and the way her boyfriend hung all over him. She saw the way that he looked at her boyfriend and made her chest hurt. 

But more importantly, she saw the way that her boyfriend looked at him. It was a private look that she thought Lance had specifically for her. When she caught a glimpse of it, her eyes stung and she struggled to regain focus on the game that Pidge and Hunk were yelling about. And in that moment, she realized that it would be her or Keith and she really, really wanted--needed--it to be her.

Lance was an eternal optimist and a hopeless romantic, it was a part of his charm, but he’d never met someone like Nyma. When the two of them met, he was convinced that true love had to be real. She fit next to him so perfectly. 

She had almost as much energy as him and didn’t get tired of him when he jumped on his bed or did cartwheels down the hallway at 3 AM. She listened when he told her that his true dream was to see the stars up close, even though he was terrified of the eternal darkness that was space. She wrote him a song that made him laugh while he cried. All in all, she was so perfect that he couldn’t believe she was even real. 

And when she clicked perfectly with all of his friends, his heart felt like it might explode. 

So she became a part of their daily lives from that moment on. She went to breakfast, lunch, and dinner with them and hung out in their rooms with them. She went to parties with them and laughed with them every moment of the day. She took dumb snapchat selfies with Lance and kissed him when he got into his head too much. It was like a dream. 

But then something changed, something that Lance didn’t even want to admit at first. She started acting oddly, specifically when she was with his friends. Well, when Keith was around. When Keith was at work or in class, Nyma was her usual sweet and funny self. Whenever Keith was around, suddenly all she cared about was hanging herself off of Lance. In times when he would just be hanging out, playing video games or watching youtube videos with his friends, she would come over and start insisting he paid attention to her. At first, he didn’t mind, he loved being around her, and would just put aside what he was doing and pay attention to her. But after it kept happening, he started to question what was going on. 

Finally, one day, about 4 months into their relationship, he stopped her. He had been hanging out with Keith, talking about something that Shiro had apparently done the night before that had been hilarious. He’d been sitting on the bed with Keith, his body leaning against the wall while Keith’s head rested on the pillow on the other side. Keith was in full story mode, a side that Lance took a lot of pride in unlocking. He was acting out the situation, using voices and everything. Lance, on the other hand, was dying of laughter. Keith was almost reaching the peak of the story when the door opened up and Nyma came in. 

The effect was nearly immediate. Keith’s story came to a crashing halt as Nyma made her way into the room. 

“Hey babe” he greeted her, wiping a tear from his eye. “Keith was just telling me the funniest story.”

Nyma smiled and nodded absently, “Oh, that’s cool…” she trailed before leaning in close to his ear, whispering “I was actually coming to see if you were busy…” she bit her lip and met his eyes. She blinked her brown eyes innocently and fiddled with the hem of his shirt. 

Keith coughed and looked away. His expression was unreadable and before Lance could really try to decipher it, Nyma had her finger on his chin, forcing him to meet her eyes once more. “Babe?” 

“Uh, no--” he stuttered trying to find the right words, right now all he could see was Keith’s face and all he could think was that this was the first time in a long time that he couldn’t tell what he was thinking. At his words, Nyma looks offended and withdraws her hands. Panicking, knowing that his words came out wrong and offensively he blinks, shakes his head, and sighs all at once. “No, what I meant is--It’s just...Babe, Keith and I haven’t talked in a few days, you know with work and all--”

“I know...I just thought, since I’m going home for the weekend and I won’t really see you this week--” she trails but nods her head, “but no, I get it, don’t worry. Another time.”

“Uh, actually--” Keith’s voice cuts in. He looks embarrassed and let down and Lance wants to reach over and wipe that look off his face. To make sure he never gets that look again. “It’s alright, I just remembered I promised Shiro that I’d run to the store for him so it works out.” 

Guilt pools in Lance’s gut at that. He knows that Keith could run to the store at any time and that he’s lying to make Lance’s life easier. 

“Keith--” he tries but Keith sends him a look that tells him not to push it. So instead, he settles for, “we still on for Friday?” 

Keith’s face settles on a small smile and he nods. “Yeah, definitely.” 

Then he’s gone, slipping out the door.

He watches the door--for a moment too long, he guesses when he hears Nyma clear her throat loudly next to him. 

“What’re you staring at?” 

“Nothing, just...thinking” he lies. She nods and climbs onto the bed, immediately pulling him into a kiss. And while normally he’d be so turned on and into this, he can’t help the way his mind wanders to the look Keith had had. His attention is drawn back when she deepens the kiss and bites on his lip, harder than normal, and he flinches in pain. “Ow!” he exclaims and she pulls back. 

“Oh! I’m so sorry! Are you okay?” she frets and she looks so panicked that Lance can’t help but feel bad. 

Slowly, he nods, “yeah, I’m..I’m good.” he sighs, holding his lip. “What’s...uh, what’s going on?” he asks and she blinks at him. 

“What do you mean? I’m pretty sure you can tell what’s going on…” she smirks. 

“No, I mean...why did you kick Keith out?”

She looks offended at that. “Kick him out?” At Lance’s look of  _ duh _ , she scoffs. “He had to go to the store” she points at the door and Lance rolls his eyes. 

“Yeah, all of a sudden after you made it clear he wasn’t welcome here.” he sighs, crossing his arms. She says nothing at that, just climbs off of his lap and settles onto the bed. He, in turn, sits up straighter. “Look, do you have a problem with him or something?” 

“A problem?” she raises an eyebrow. “No, is it so wrong for me to want to spend time with my boyfriend?” 

“Of course not but I’m allowed to hang out with my friends--” he argues feeling anger rise in his chest. 

“If his attention is more important to you than mine, then go find him!” she snaps. He watches as she looks down at her hands and he knows that she’s upset. Sighing, he takes her hand into his own. 

“That’s not what I’m saying…Look, all I’m saying is that...he’s my best friend, okay? And I haven’t seen him in a long time and I just felt like you’re acting kind of...off…”

“Off?” she scoffs. 

“I don’t mean it like--”

“No, I’m pretty sure I know exactly how you meant it...whatever, Lance.” she huffs, climbing off of the bed and heading for the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

The door slams behind her and all Lance can do is hit his head back against the wall.

The next morning, Lance brings flowers to Nyma’s room and apologizes to her. She immediately pulls him into an embrace and returns the apology, saying that she overreacted and that she didn’t mean to be disrespectful.

It slowly devolves from there. Whenever Keith and Lance are together, Nyma insists on being around and whenever Lance even mentions Keith, she changes the subject immediately. Lance tells himself that it’s nothing and that he can live with it but every time she does it, he feels his patience growing thinner and thinner. 

So at 6 months in, when Lance is telling a story about the time him and Keith got kicked out of Walmart and Nyma grows visibly annoyed, Lance snaps. 

“Why do you look so annoyed?” he asks, cutting off his own story. 

“I’m not” she insists but he cocks his head at that. 

“Bullshit” 

“I’m not!” 

“As soon as I said his name, you crossed your arms and clearly stopped listening!” 

“Maybe I’m just  _ sick  _ of hearing “Keith this” and “Keith that!””

“What’re you talking about!?”

“Every single time you open your mouth, you’re talking about him!”

“We’ve done a lot of stuff together, he’s my best friend, what do you want me to do about that?!” 

“I don’t want you to see him anymore!” it’s out there before even she can stop it and her hand flies to her mouth as soon as the words are out. “I--”

“Is that really--” Lance steps back in shock. “Are you seriously--You can’t be asking me to do that”

“I...Lance. I just.” she sighs deeply, stepping towards him, grabbing his hands. “You don’t understand, okay. He just...I love you so much and...sometimes I just feel like you’d rather be with him than with me.”

“What--? Nyma, that’s--”

“I know, it’s crazy. I can’t help it, okay? Loving you makes me think and do crazy things but...the thought of him just makes me so...crazy jealous.” she shrugs, “I mean you have all these great memories together and every time that you talk about him your eyes light up in this way that they never do when you talk about me…” 

“Nyma, that’s not--we just haven’t had time. You know, to form all those memories. But we’ll get there, we just need time--”

“I would just feel better if you didn’t see him anymore…” she looks down. 

“Nyma, I can’t...you  _ know  _ I can’t.”

“Then I don’t know if I can do this anymore…” she drops her hands from his. The moment her hands are gone from his, he feels empty and panicked. “I can’t keep living with this fear that you’d rather be with anyone else..”

“Nyma! You have to believe me, there’s nothing there!” he pleas. He’s never felt this scared to lose anyone before. She looks up at him and the tears in her brown eyes make Lance’s knees go weak. “Please, don’t cry” he begs, placing his hand on her cheek, wiping away a tear as it falls from her eye. 

“I can’t--” she shakes her head. “I can’t do it, Lance.”

It’s an impossible decision for him. 

How can he let her, the girl who may be the love of his life, walk out of that door? How can he lose this? This girl who knew him without him even saying anything. The one who had exactly the same sense of humor as him and who could tolerate him at his most extreme behaviors. 

But at the same time, how can he lose Keith? Keith who was everything opposite of him in the best ways possible. Keith who had a level head in the times where Lance wanted to react impulsively. Keith who made stupid dad jokes in the dark when they were the only two awake. 

“Lance, you need to decide what you want.”

And after a long moment, he settles his eyes on hers and says:

“I want you.” 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is short but I just wanted to give you some insight on Lance's perspective on this

Standing in front of Keith’s door the next morning was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. He stood still--frozen to the spot--for an eternity. Was he really going to do this? Could he do this?

Finally, taking a shaky breath, he reached his hand up to the door and knocked, waiting patiently until the door swung open and Keith smiled at him. 

“Hey” he said, stepping back from the door. He fixed him with a confused look. “Don’t you have class right now?”

Absently, Lance realized that he did. He was supposed to be learning trigonometry right now at 10:45 on a Wednesday morning. But instead, he was taking Keith in like cold water on a hot day. 

Maybe it was the fact that he knew this might be the last time they ever saw each other but in that moment, with the sun hitting his features, Lance found it hard to breathe. Keith’s hair was messy, like always, and slightly overgrown--even for him. He was wearing a university sweater and jeans. The outfit wasn’t anything special but for some reason he looked so good that it stole Lance's breath from his lungs.

“Lance?” 

Keith’s voice snapped him out of it and he internally recoiled. What was wrong with him? 

“Uh, hey, yeah..I kinda blew off trig” he shrugs as Keith pulls him inside the house with a laugh. 

“You’re gonna freeze out there,” Keith explains even though it’s only September 20th and it’s really not that cold. Lance doesn’t respond at that. His mind is too busy spinning, trying to figure out what to say. Every part of his being is telling him not to do this, not to go through with this. He doesn’t want to lose the dark purple eyes that are looking into his so deeply or the rough laugh that Keith has in the mornings--he still has it now, Lance notes, he must've just woken up recently. “Is everything okay?” 

_ Don’t do this. Don’t do this. Don’t do this.  _

He can’t. He can’t lose Keith. 

“Uh, yeah. Everything’s good. Just...missed you. I’m sorry ‘bout last night, man, I don’t know what came over her”  _ Liar.  _

Keith shrugs and smiles, “No worries...I get it.” 

And of course he does. Of course he understands and doesn’t even hold it against Nyma because that’s just the kind of person he is. And that makes it so much harder. 

_ Five more minutes _ , he tells himself. He can have five more minutes with him before he shatters it all and loses this. 

“You want waffles? Shiro and Allura woke up early and made them.” Keith offers, ushering him into the kitchen. 

“Sure” Lance follows, watching Keith’s footsteps. He misses the way that Keith looks at him with concern. Keith knows something’s wrong, Lance is never this quiet and he worries over what could possibly bring this change in behavior. Last night, he’d been cheery as ever, laughing and yelling like always. Maybe him and Nyma had had a fight?

When they get to the kitchen, Lance sits at the table and watches silently as Keith pours syrup onto two waffles for him. “Say when” Keith says but Lance is too busy watching the smile on his face and the way the light hits his cheekbones and the way the sweater was tight and baggy in all the right ways. He looks so soft, he just wants to reach out and--

_ Fuck.  _ He can’t do this. He can’t drag this out. If Nyma was here, if she could hear the thoughts racing through his head right now, she’d be devastated. 

Keith is still pouring syrup, looking over at Lance with confusion.

_ You have to decide what you want, Lance.  _

He doesn’t know. He has no  _ clue  _ what he wants. 

(If he’s honest with himself, he wants to freeze this moment for eternity. He wants to never leave the warm glow of Keith’s kitchen, the smell of waffles and syrup in the air. He wants to never have to make this decision.)

“Lance? It’s getting a bit overfilled here--” Keith’s voice brings him back and the words jolt out of him like he’s been electrocuted. 

“We can’t be friends anymore” 

This isn’t the way he planned it. This isn’t what he was going to do, he was going to work up to it. He was going to let him down easy. He wasn’t going to just spew it out in the middle of nowhere when Keith was  _ doing something nice for him _ . He wasn’t going to be a jackass.

But he was a jackass, he knows. 

Time freezes and he watches as Keith nearly pours syrup all over the kitchen floor and his socked feet. He sees the way Keith’s eyes widen as he scrambles to put the bottle on the counter. And then he can’t see anything because Keith’s turning his back to him, resting his hands on the counter.

It’s not fair because all he wants to do is to reach out and comfort him but he  _ can’t,  _ not when he’s the reason he’s upset. 

“Why?” The question is quiet and shaky and the sound of Keith’s voice alone nearly breaks him in half. His eyes well with tears and he blinks them away, he doesn’t get to be the one who’s upset. 

“Keith, I was going to tell you in...in a better way. I shouldn’t--”

“Why?” 

He falters for a second. He could just pretend it was all a prank. Tell him he just wanted to see his reaction. Anything. Anything to get Keith to look at him again. To even out his voice and ease the tension in the room. 

But the thought of going back to Nyma and telling her he couldn’t do it. To have to watch her walk out the door, muttering about being right all along. He couldn’t do that.

“Nyma.” He breathes out her name and Keith’s shoulders tense like the name was a hit he knew was coming. “She...she doesn’t--” he doesn’t know how to phrase it. “She’s scared. That she’s going to lose me...she doesn’t…”  _ trust you _ . “She doesn’t like you” he says instead and then curses himself because how could that possibly sound better? 

Keith lets out a shaky breath and nods, “O-oh” Lance wishes that he didn’t hear the way his voice breaks on the vowel. 

“She...she said it’s...you or her, Keith, you have to understand,” and Keith tenses at that, his grip on the counter tightening. Lance knows every word he says is making this worse. He should just leave but he has to make Keith understand that this isn’t his fault, that there’s nothing he could’ve done better to change the outcome. “I think she could really be the one...I think I’m gonna marry this girl.” 

Keith has no response to that, he just freezes in place. Lance can’t even hear him breathing anymore and he wonders for a moment if he’s breathing at all. 

“Keith? Say something, please” he begs. He knows he doesn’t deserve it but he needs to hear Keith say something--anything--before he can leave. He needs to know that Keith is going to start breathing again. 

The boy just shakes his head and turns around, finally. He avoids Lance’s gaze but Lance can see the shining tears in his eyes as he fumbles with his jacket. He tries his best to ignore the way his chest aches at the sight. He fights the urge to step to him and wipe them away. Instead, he stays glued to the wooden chair, watching. 

“There’s nothing to say” 

He turns and before Lance can even realize that this is  _ Keith’s  _ house, the older boy is slamming the door shut behind him. 

And when he returns to his dorm, Nyma hugs him without a word and pulls him into bed, whispering that she knows what will make him feel better. He barely feels anything as he fucks her, his mind swarming. 

And if she notices, she doesn’t seem to care.

If he's honest. He feels like he's drowning.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry if it feels like this story is dragging I just really want to emphasize how subtly toxic Lance and Nyma's relationship is. All these fights and everything will properly explain Lance and Nyma's breakup and Lance's mental state during Keith's birthday scene from Chapter 1. I promise the next chapter is going to bring new developments and that it will pay off. 
> 
> Anyways, thank you guys so much for all the comments. They really inspire and motivate me to keep writing so tysm. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

Life without Keith was surprisingly hard. 

Keith had actually kept Lance more stable than he had ever realized.

Besides the company, he was also missing the person who actually challenged him to be a better person. Whenever Lance thought he couldn’t do something, Keith had been the one to encourage him to keep trying, to not accept failure. 

When he told Nyma that he couldn’t study for chemistry anymore because he felt like he was dying, she rolled her eyes and laughed before pulling him into her lap. “I know what you could do instead then.” 

Distantly, he could remember the time he’d told Keith the same thing and he’d reminded him how much better he’d feel if he studied more before taking a break. He remembered being annoyed but then he remembered the way Keith had smiled at him like he was ridiculous and opened a textbook. Keith had started asking him questions, smirking when Lance didn’t know the answers. Keith’s knee had been practically overlapping his own and when he looked up, he absently caught his gaze onto Keith’s lips as they read out the question. When Keith’s dark eyes peeked up with a raised eyebrow, Lance blushed and shook his head, giggling as he said: “fine, you caught me, I know nothing.”

“Dork” Keith shook his head, “c’mon, I’ll help you.”

Lance had gotten a 93 on that test. He had texted Keith an enthusiastic, upper cased, message with many hearts and exclamation points that day. 

He smiled as the moment came to his mind, slipping away a moment later when he remembers where he is now. Nyma’s working her mouth over his collarbone. 

She’s right on top of him but he’s never felt this alone. 

He fails his test the next morning and the first person he wants to text is Keith. 

  
  


He still hangs out with Pidge and Hunk almost every day but lately Nyma’s been all over him to the point where they don’t want to be around it and he doesn’t blame them one bit. If he’s honest, he’s gotten so bored with the sex. 

“Babe--” he tries as her tongue tries to enter his mouth. “Babe, can we talk?”

“Right now?” she breathes out, already moving to the hem of his shirt. His body naturally reacts to the feeling of her hand on him and his breath hitches, his mind wandering momentarily. It takes a second for him to return to Earth, to remember what he wanted. 

“Yes, right now” he insists, pushing gently against her to move away.

Sighing, she climbs off of him and onto the bed. “What?” The attitude in her voice makes anger flare in Lance’s chest momentarily. 

“We just...we haven’t talked in a long time. I was just--” he stumbles over his words. “Nothing’s felt the same since that thing with Keith.” he trails off. He knows this is dangerous territory but it has to be said. When she sighs, he knows he’s right. She nods slowly at him.

“I know…” she mumbles.

“What’s going on?” he prompts. “It just feels like you care more about jumping me at all times than you do about anything else..”

Her cheeks turn pink at that and she looks away. “I…” she starts but cuts herself off and goes quiet for a long moment. He’s about to speak again when she starts again. “I just...I thought you were staying with me for my body and the sex and I didn’t want you to regret--”

He shakes his head immediately, his eyebrows furrowing as he cups his hand under her chin. “What?” he can’t help but whisper. “You think--? Baby, no. Never. I love you for your heart, not your body...I mean, your body  _ is  _ smoking. Like, goddamn--” she laughs and he smiles, “but really. I fell for you when you talk about your hopes and dreams. When you came to my room and complained about your physics professor and did that impression. That’s what I like about you. The body and sex are just  _ major  _ bonuses” he widens his eyes on the word ‘major’ for emphasis.

She just smiles and looks up at him. “You mean that?”

“Every word” he promises. She bites her lip and pulls him into a hug.

When Pidge asks him if she can invite Keith, he’s silently grateful that Pidge is still looking out for him. Even if he can’t look out for him, at least he knows that Keith’s not alone. 

That night, he can’t help but let his mind wander to what he’s going to do when he sees Keith again. He can’t help but feel butterflies over it and he can’t figure out why. Suddenly, all he cares about is what he’s going to wear to the party and what Keith would wear. 

In all honesty, he should’ve assumed that Keith wouldn’t want to come to a party that he’d be at. It’d only be about 2 weeks after all. Nevertheless, he couldn’t help but feel kind of dumb as he watched the door for the first hour of the party, hands fiddling with the hem of his shirt. He knows that Pidge and Nyma are somewhere in the distance laughing at Hunk’s antics--he’s trying to steal something from the room next door by sneaking by the guy but Hunk’s too big and too drunk to be subtle and it’s not going the way he must’ve planned it--but all he can see is the time and the fact that Keith isn’t here. 

When he wakes up in the morning, as he walks to Starbucks with Pidge, he mentions that Keith never showed up and she shrugs saying that she never ended up inviting him. It makes him feel even more sick to his stomach. 

He’s checking Pidge’s story on snapchat later that day when he realizes that he hasn’t seen anything from Keith in a while. But Keith had never been one to post much on social media anyway so he reckons he just hasn’t had anything to post. He’s about to look up Keith’s instagram when Pidge calls his attention somewhere else and he misses the screen that reads  **_“You have this user blocked”_ ** as he runs over to her, shoving his phone in his pocket. 

Lance sees Keith on October 12--not that he was paying attention or that he cared that much (except he totally, one-hundred percent did.) He’s walking to class when he passes the other boy. His hair is long and he wants to run up to him and ruffle it around with a tease about the mullet getting out of hand. And maybe it’s the lack of exposure but Lance swears that the muscles in his arms have gotten bigger since the last time he saw him. 

Part of him hopes that Keith looks up and meets his eyes but the other part of him is petrified of what would happen if he did. 

Keith doesn’t look up. Lance continues to class and the rest of the day, he thinks about how good he looked.

\--

His first bad fight with Nyma happens a week after that. 

It starts over something really, really simple and stupid. It’s over the fact that he wants to go out for the night and she wants to stay in. There’s a party he was invited to and it’s been a long time since he’s really seen anyone that wasn’t Nyma so he really wants to go.

She, in change, takes his explanation to mean that he is sick of spending time with her (and he has to bite his tongue to keep himself from saying that he is.) It’s not that he’s sick of her but she has been basically living in his dorm for the past month and he misses his other friends (he misses Keith.)

“That’s not what I’m saying!” he protests. “I just want to go out! You don’t even have to come with me if you don’t want to, I just want to get out of the dorm for a bit.”

And oh god was that the wrong thing to say. 

Her face flushes red and she stands up, already grabbing her bag. “Okay...so you just want to go out to some party...without me?”

“No! I only meant that you didn’t have--”

“Do I look stupid to you? I know what happens when you go out without me!”

And what happens? As far as he knew, he just hung out with his friends and sometimes got a little too faded. But nothing ever happens, he’d never let anything happen. 

“You’d really be okay with me sitting in my dorm, alone, knowing that other girls are hanging off of you and doing God knows what?!” 

“Nyma! I...I would never do anything at those parties! I just want to have some fun!” 

“Oh...okay. So now I’m not fun” she shakes her head and Lance feels like screaming. His hands find his hair and pulls slightly. 

“What do you want from me!?” 

“I want to be enough for you! You’re always chasing after something better than me!” Tears well up in her eyes as she avoids meeting his. The anger in his chest melts a bit at that. 

“When have I ever given you reason to believe that you’re not good enough for me?”

“I can think of one” she mumbled, turning away from him to grab a sweater off his bed. 

“Then tell me!” he explodes. “Because I can’t--Nyma, I can’t do this--” 

“Keith!” she yells right back and Lance audibly groans at that. 

“Are you serious right now--?”

“Yes, I’m serious!”

“How many times am I going to tell you that you’re overreacting?!” He knows that those are the wrong words but he’s not really thinking. The anger is building inside of him, burning hot lava building from his feet to his head. He’s sure if he opens his mouth, the red will seep out between his teeth and lips. She scoffs, an offended look overcoming her face. 

“Overreacting?! You practically hang off of him whenever you see him! I’m not stupid--”

“I don’t even see him anymore!!” he’s reaching his breaking point. It’s so,  _ so  _ unfair that he can’t even see his best friend anymore because of something as ridiculous as this and that even that isn’t enough. “I’m not even allowed to see him anymore because I chose. You! Why isn’t that enough?!”

She’s silent at that, a tear falling down her cheek and Lance sighs, lowering his voice. He hates fighting, especially with people he loves.

“I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again. There never has been and never will be anything between Keith and I. I’m an affectionate person with the people I care about and that’s it.” 

He tried not to wonder how long it would be before she asked him to cut off Hunk or Pidge because of the same thing. How many times would she be alright with him cuddling with Hunk or playing video games all night alone with Pidge? How many times until she told him that he couldn’t see them anymore either? 

But he blinks that thought away and continues on because she still isn’t meeting his eyes and there are still tears falling down her cheeks. 

“You’re more than enough for me, babe. I promise you that. I’m not going to this party to meet someone. I just miss my friends.”

“I’m just so scared you’re going to find someone you like better than me and leave me.” He steps forward. 

“I’m not looking at anyone except for you. I only have eyes for you, please know that.”

She gives him a small nod and wipes the tear that falls down her cheek. “Ok,” she swipes her hand under her nose. “We can go, let me get dressed..” she says in a small voice and guilt pools in Lance’s stomach.

He really wants to see his friends but he looks at his girlfriend, she looks exhausted and overall miserable over this whole thing. He bites his lip. “No, it’s okay.” he says and she looks ready to cry again at his words, “we can stay in tonight.” A small smile that she tries to hide appears on her face as she asks if he’s sure, saying that she can suck it up and go. “For real, I’ve actually been meaning to start watching YOU anyway. Everyone is talking about it and I need to know what happens.”

Lance watches the snapchats of his friends later, after Nyma’s fallen asleep on his chest, and tries to pretend that he doesn’t feel lonely. He wishes that he was with them, laughing and messing around. It’s been a long time since he last went out like that. 

But he tells himself that it’s okay because he’s got the girl he loves and that’s enough. 


	6. Chapter 6

He’s finally hanging out with Pidge for the first time in days---because Nyma’s at yoga class and then she has a study group so he has some time for himself-- and they’re playing Halo, when he asks her if she’s seen Keith recently. She shrugs as she shoots down a robot dog.

“Yeah, we eat lunch together. Why?” 

Lance doesn’t know why he’s asking, actually. He just feels like he has to check up on him. He wants to make sure he’s not alone, that he has someone. He knows that he shouldn’t really care this much, that his life shouldn’t be this impacted by not seeing him but he swallows that down and instead asks:

“He’s...Does he seem alright?” he asks--as though he has any right to know anything about Keith’s happiness-- and Pidge is quiet for a long time before she shrugs again. 

“He seems busy…” it’s not exactly comforting. “You know, working a lot. He’s always on the run nowadays, kind of hard to get a good read on him.” She seems like she wants to ask or say something more but decides against it.

Her answer leaves Lance with a pit in his stomach. Keith had always been the type to throw himself into work when he was going through a hard time. The time Lance had asked him about it, he had shrugged him off saying that it gave him less time to think about whatever was bothering him. 

Though, maybe that wasn’t a bad thing. As long as Keith was able to focus on something that wasn’t this...maybe he’d be alright. 

They move on quickly after that when Pidge gets knocked out by a guard and Lance rushes over to help her. They get swept up in the current mission after that and Lance’s thoughts don’t have a chance to settle on Keith again until later. 

As October 23rd gets closer, Lance spends more time than he’d like to admit with his finger hovering over the add friend button next to Keith’s snapchat name (and yeah, maybe he had Keith’s snap name memorized, what about it? It was an easy name anyway.) He wanted so badly to write something to Keith for his birthday, he should write something. It was only right. 

He knew how much Keith liked to pretend that he didn’t care about his birthday but he also knew how much Keith loved it when people made a big deal about it. He had never had big extravagant parties at home when he was a kid, nothing like what Lance had had with his giant family all his life. So Lance had made it a personal goal of his to make sure that Keith had tons of plans and gifts every year since they’d become friends. 

Guilt gnawed at him as he remembered this, his teeth finding his bottom lip. Was anyone making plans for Keith right now? He glanced at the date: October 20. Surely Pidge and Hunk had something in the works, right? 

He types out a message to Hunk quickly, instead of texting Keith because maybe now wasn’t the best time. 

**_Hey bro. I know this is kinda not my place lol but are you and Pidge doing anything for Keith’s birthday?_ **

Hunk’s response comes a minute later. 

_Oh yeah, I’ll talk to Pidge ab it later!_

Feeling slightly better with that, he closes the message app. His eyes flick over the time and he starts at the realization that it’s almost 2 in the morning. Sighing, he turns over and shuts his eyes, somehow finding sleep almost immediately. 

\--

Lance’s phone buzzing is the first thing Nyma wakes up to and she rolls over with a groan on her lips. But she turns over and sees her boyfriend sleeping soundly and decides he can live another day because he looks so damn cute. 

His phone buzzes two more times and she sighs, reaching over and grabbing it. She only intends to stop the buzzing but when the screen wakes up and she sees the top messages, she can’t bring herself to put the phone down. Sparing a glance at Lance, she checks that he’s still fast asleep. Then, she swipes on the screen and enters Lance’s passcode, opening his messages.

**_Hey bro. I know this is kinda not my place lol but are you and Pidge doing anything for Keith’s birthday?_ **(1:52 AM)

Why was he still concerned about Keith and his stupid birthday? And at 2 in the morning nevertheless? Jealousy burns through her veins as she continues reading.

_Oh yeah, I’ll talk to Pidge ab it later!_ (1:53 AM)

_Dude so we were thinking of inviting him out. (7:00 AM)_

_Pidge said he really loved that lazer tag thing we did last year so we thought of doing that. (7:00 AM)_

_Then maybe get some drinks and just hang out at his place or something. (7:02 AM)_

_Just wanted to run it by you to find out if you wanted to join us._ (7:04 AM)

Yeah, wouldn’t that be fun? Keith and Lance chasing each other around in the dark and then getting drunk and hanging out at Keith’s house. 

She can’t let that happen, she decided. She bit her lip, different scenarios playing through her mind, trying to figure out how she could stop this. 

**_Actually, dude, I was thinking about it...would you guys mind if I hung out with him for a bit just one on one and then we can meet up with you guys later?_ **(7:20 AM)

She cringed slightly, hoping she was doing a good enough job of impersonating her boyfriend. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew what she was doing was wrong but she couldn’t care less. If it meant that her relationship was safe, she was willing to blur the lines between sane and insane. 

_Uh….sure. I guess._ (7:21 AM) 

She felt slightly guilty at the disappointment in Hunk’s tone but she figured he’d be alright. After all, he hadn’t even been planning on any of that stuff until Lance had asked him to do it. He would probably move on in an hour. 

What’s done is done, she supposes, as she deletes the text messages and locks the screen. 

Lance groans, turning over in his sleep and pulling her waist towards him. She fought a giggle that threatened to escape. Quickly, she dropped the phone into the sheets and laid back down in Lance’s arms. 

“Good morning, sleepyhead” she smiled. Lance’s blue eyes fluttered slightly and she took a moment to appreciate just how beautiful he was. The light from the window falling perfectly on his freckled face and his eyelashes resting softly over his ocean eyes. He looked straight out of a painting. 

“Good morning, beautiful” he gave a lopsided smile back. His voice was raspy and deeper than normal. She fucking loved it. She fucking loved him. 

\--

The morning of October 21st is a bad one. 

She’s seen Lance on a lot of bad days, he gets them sometimes. When his anxiety acts up and he worries over every possible scenario. Or when his ADHD kicks in and he can’t focus on a single thing for longer than 2 seconds at a time, building frustration in him until he nearly explodes. She’s been there through those and she’s figured out by now how to help him when he gets like that. Normally, calming him down, talking to him about one, consistent topic that distracts him from whatever is on his mind does the trick. 

But today she’s in territory she’s never seen before. 

He’s awake before she is, just staring at a wall when she greets him.

“Good morning, baby.” she mumbles, leaning over for a kiss. He doesn’t move, not even his eyes, and he doesn’t respond. “Baby?” 

Nothing. 

She starts to wonder if maybe he’s just still asleep with his eyes open. With her eyebrows folded in on her face, she leans away and slowly climbs out of bed. She waits for any kind of reaction but it never comes. 

Instead, she begins getting ready. “Babe, I have class but I’ll come by afterwards, okay?” The silence is less surprising this time. “I’ll bring you lunch?” She leans down and places a kiss on his forehead. 

Normally Lance can feel a bad day coming on, normally he can prepare himself.

But not today. Today when he wakes up, he feels so numb inside that he can’t focus on a single thing happening around him for longer than 2 seconds and everything from the brightness of the sun to the sound of Nyma’s voice makes him want to burst into tears. His body feels heavy, so heavy that when he opens his eyes, all he can do is let them droop back shut. When he finally pries them open, they stay, unblinking and unmoving for longer than even he knows. 

Today, being alive seems heavy and altogether too much. 

Today, all he can think of is the fact that he feels so goddamn alone. 

He knows, _knows_ , that Pidge and Hunk and Nyma are all there for him. That Allura and Shiro--despite having not seen them in 3 weeks--would drop everything for him in a heartbeat. But he still feels so alone. 

If he really forces himself to think about it, to push past the numb and fogginess of his brain, he thinks maybe it has to do with the fact that he’s adapted to this pattern. Every year, the days leading up to Halloween are usually his favorite. He goes to the Halloween store, forcing everyone to try on the most ridiculous things, and he spends most of his days coordinating plans for Keith’s birthday. Laser tag, concerts, golf carting, etc. 

And maybe that’s why it’s so hard to move today. 

Because he knows that in a few days, his friends are all going to celebrate and have fun together with his (ex) best friend that he wasn’t allowed to even wish a happy birthday (and since when did he ask permission to talk to his friends? When did he become this person?.) Maybe it has to do with the fact that he’s going to miss out on yet another event. (It’s just one event, he told himself every time but he couldn’t help but see the memories and the jokes that he was missing out on.) But if he really thinks about it, it has more to do with the company that he will be missing. The company he’s _been_ missing for weeks now. 

And as Nyma returns, soup in hand and soothing words her tongue, he wants nothing more than for her to go away. And it strikes him that this isn’t the first time he’s wanted her to just leave and he wonders if it’s normal for someone to want the person they love to just _leave._ Or if it’s normal to be so scared to tell them what you truly want. 

After Lance doesn’t move from his bed for 24 hours, Nyma calls for reinforcements. Pidge comes barrelling into the room like a cannon and normally her performance would have Lance on the floor laughing, but not now. Not when he feels like he’s standing alone on the edge of the world. Not when he feels like he’s exploding from the inside out. 

“What’s going on?” she finally asks after an hour of cracking jokes and telling stories, to no avail. Nyma had slipped out about 30 minutes ago, mumbling about going to get food. 

Lance just shrugs, the most effort he’s put into anything in hours. His arms and body just feel so heavy. 

“Bull. You know. Talk to me” she prodes. 

“Idon’tknow” he slurs out, his face smushed into the pillow, pressing his words all together. She doesn’t say anything this time, seemingly knowing that he doesn’t need her to. She knows that if he’s left with the silence long enough, something will bubble up. After 5 minutes of Pidge pulling at strings in the comforter, he looks around, trying desperately filling the tense silence. “I feel alone.” he knows he sounds like a dumb kid but he hopes it’ll satisfy her. Logically, he knows that he’s not alone. Pidge is right here. Nyma only just left. Hunk is only a hallway away. Everyone is _so close_. 

But she knows that that’s not what he means.

“What about Nyma?” she asks and he has to stop himself from letting the noise he wants to leave his mouth. She fixes him with a look of confusion, having assumed that things were good between them. 

At her look, he looks guilty and shrugs again, folding in on himself. “Yeah, you’re right. I have Nyma…” he trails. 

“Lance?” she asks, watching as he ducks his head back into the pillow. 

“She...I don’t know...she loves me” he trails and then scrambles to add, “and I love her... and I should be grateful…”

“But?” she fills in for him. 

“Is it wrong that I want more?”

“More?” it’s not a judgmental tone that she holds, just confused. Wanting to know more. And the lack of judgment at his true thoughts is more of a relief than even he expected. He isn’t sure when he got so good at holding his breath, waiting for the world to implode around him. It just happened one day and his lungs are starting to burn. He’s drowning. 

And when you’re drowning, there’s a moment where you decide to let go. To let the water in. And that’s the explanation he goes with when his next words come spilling out, bursts of water making their way past his lips. 

“I want someone who trusts me...who makes me a better person. Who makes me look forward to waking up everyday? I want to feel like I can do what I want to do and not be treated like a problem or a child...” he knows he’s said too much. He didn’t even mean to say half the things that he did but it’s out there now. 

“Lance…” she hesitates, clearly afraid to ask her next question. He blinks slowly at her as she prepares herself. “Why’re you with Nyma?” 

The question stumps him. He hadn’t expected her to ask that. And honestly, he never really considered the ‘why’ of it all. In his mind it just made sense. She liked him, he liked her, they connected and got along. She didn’t think he was dumb the way everyone else did and she understood him. That’s what love was, right? Why wouldn’t they be together?

“Because...why wouldn’t we be?” he asks instead. She gives him a look that confuses him further. She looks sad, like she’s looking at a lost puppy who doesn’t realize how he’s messed up. It just makes his head hurt.

“Well...does being with her make you happy?”

And….

Lance doesn’t quite know what to do with that. 

He supposes that it does. I mean, what reason does he have to not be happy? He’s got it all: the girl, the friends, the grades, the family. The answer should be easy. It should be a simple, ‘yes. Of course she does.’ 

Instead, Lance gives a flick of his head, a noncommittal shrug. “She does…” 

“That was...less than believable.” Pidge stifles half a laugh. 

“Okay, fine.” he admits, “She did. At the beginning, she had me over the moon. Every time I saw her, I fell more in love and she could make me laugh when I was at my worst points...But then she started telling me who I could hang out with and...and whenever I do something she doesn’t like...she just...guilts me...I don’t know” he trails off, feeling immediate guilt at saying those words. He hated talking badly about her.

“Guilts you how?” Pidge doesn’t let him drop it. 

“Says I’m going to leave her or that she’s not enough for me…she just...gets worried when I go out...” 

“Lance…”

“No, Pidge, it just...it sounds worse than it is.”

“Lance, the fact that you’re defending her actions to me tells me more than I need to know. You shouldn’t have to defend her actions to me.” Pidge cuts him off. “That’s really toxic, Lance…”

“It’s not that bad--”

“It sounds pretty bad. And I know you haven’t even told me everything.” Pidge sighs. “Look, all I’m saying is that if the answer to ‘Does she make you happy?’ isn’t an enthusiastic yes, then you should ask yourself why that is. Better yet, you should ask yourself who does?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I hope that my portrayal of Lance's feelings in this chapter doesnt sound terrible. I'm honestly going through something similar (i lost a lot of my friends recently and constantly feel the way I describe him as feeling and im scared im missing out all the time) so i wrote his emotions as the way I feel them. I know experiences are not all universal and so I hope that I did a good job of portraying it. Anyways, thanks for reading:)


	7. the ugly truth

And so he does.

He spends the next day thinking, hard, about who truly makes him happy. 

And he keeps trying. And trying to make it be Nyma. To make the past 7 months mean  _ something _ . Because if he can’t, if Nyma isn’t the answer, then what has he been doing? Why did he give up on so many good things? So many good people? 

But he can’t.

Every time he thinks about Nyma he finds himself getting annoyed. Everything he’d started off loving about her has twisted into bitterness. He had loved that she listened to him but she started listening so carefully so that she could twist and bend his words to hurt him. He had loved that she understood him but now he saw that she used that understanding to see exactly how he would react to anything she threw at him and use it to her advantage. He had loved that she was sweet and kind but now he saw that she wasn’t that beneath the surface. Beneath the sweet exterior, she was a really insecure and manipulative little girl who threw tantrums whenever she didn’t get what she wanted. 

So on October 23rd, Lance decides to say fuck it and add Keith back on snapchat. He typed in his name and he knows exactly what he’s going to say when he types him a message. But then, as soon as he lifts his finger, he stops. And it hits him. 

What makes him so certain that Keith will even want to talk to him at all? After all, he had royally screwed up anything they had because a girl. A girl that he realizes now had been messing with his head all this time. Lance had done such a horrible thing and even though Keith was the forgiving type, it didn’t seem possible--or  _ fair _ \--to expect that from him. 

And so he spends the entire rest of the day typing and deleting a message into his phone’s notes. When he finally finishes it, he reads it over again and again. It’s simple...it shows that he cares but doesn’t overstep--he hopes. He hopes that it carries enough of his own voice that it shows that he cares because he does. He cares so much and he hopes that right now--at 3 in the afternoon--he is out with Hunk and Pidge. He hopes that they’re choking back laughter over slices of pizza at the movies or at one of their houses. He hopes…

He hopes Keith isn’t alone. 

“Babe?” Nyma’s voice tears him away from the phone screen. She’s standing next to his bed with a box of pizza in her arms. “I brought lunch…” she pauses and glances at the time, “orrrr….early dinner?” she giggles and Lance musters up a small smile. He moves over so she has room on the bed and she climbs on. “I know you love pineapple so I put aside my own hatred for it” she attempts to joke. 

The past 48 hours have been rough. Ever since he came to terms with the fact that Nyma was not making him happy, he couldn’t look at her the same way. Instead, he found himself holding himself together at every turn with her. 

“Nice.” he replies as she opens the box and tears out a slice for herself. He waits until she moves her hands and goes in for his. “Uh, how was class?” he tries. 

“Boring.” she starts, covering her face with a hand, “I mean, they should really put a age limit on teaching. This man looks like he’s about to drop  _ dead  _ in the middle of lecturing us!” she launches into a story about the same professor. It’s a story that Lance has already heard 30 versions of and he quickly tunes out. 

His gaze drifts to his phone where, behind the locked screen, lies his typed out message to Keith. He doesn’t trust that if he opens it, Nyma won’t read it, so he leaves the phone untouched, forcing himself to listen once more to the story. 

It’s nearly 2 in the morning when Nyma falls asleep on his chest. Finally, he pulls his phone out and opens his message. He reads it twice more, checking that every part of it is perfect and adding in one line to apologize for the tardiness, before copying it and opening snapchat where, once again, he drifts his finger over the Add Friend button.

_ Just do it.  _

Before he can let himself over think anymore, he hits the button. 

Lance holds his breath as the request goes through. The part he didn’t quite think through is...what if Keith doesn’t even add him back? Then what? He could text him but for some reason that seems...over the line. If Keith doesn’t add him back then he clearly doesn’t want to hear from him and texting him would just be--

_ Keith added you back!  _

Oh thank god. Finally, he lets out his breath and opens the chat. He pastes down his text and hits send. He doesn’t allow himself to reread the message or hesitate because if he does, he’ll chicken out. 

**_Keith! Hey. I know this is kinda awk or whateves but...it’s your birthday! (i mean it was...it kind of took me all day to get the guts to send this) Happy birthday! I want you to know that I still care a lot about you and that I hope you’re happy. Hope you had an amazing birthday, mullet. <3_ **

He hopes that the nickname and the heart aren’t overstepping; he just felt weird sending a generic, impersonal text when he knew Keith so well. 

The next minute he spends refreshing his page, waiting for Keith to open the message and when the read symbol finally appears, he has to physically stop himself from jolting up and waking up Nyma. It’s a long time before the reply appears and when it does, Lance opens it quickly. In any other situation, he’d be embarrassed over the eagerness but right now he cannot seem to care. 

_ Hey...thanks. Better late than never, so it's all good.  _

The message is as short and impersonal as they come but the message still brings a smile to his face. 

He knows that Keith’s shortness means that he should not continue the conversation but…

He’s not even going to make an excuse as for why: he texts him back because he misses him. He misses Keith’s voice and the way he texts and his smile and...just everything about him. 

**_So how’d your day go? Was the part more lit this year than last? Kinda sad that I couldn’t be there._ **

He doesn’t really want to hear about how much fun he had without him--just another thing he had to miss--but it’s only fair. 

The next message comes faster this time. 

_ It was okay. There was no party so don’t worry, you didn’t miss out. _

This time he can’t help the jolt that he does. He distantly hears Nyma wake up and grumble something but he doesn’t care as he saves Keith’s message and shifts his screen to his text messages with Hunk. 

He looks back at the messages from 2 days ago when he’d asked Hunk to do something for Keith. He thought that Hunk would’ve been all over that, especially since Lance had specifically asked him. Once he confirms that he did, in fact, ask Hunk, he goes back to snapchat. 

**_What do you mean there was no party?_ **

He doesn’t even wait for an answer before he’s typing again.

**_So what did you do today? What happened with Hunk and Pidge?_ **

_ I studied for Spanish and listened to music. Nbd. They texted me happy birthday. _

Anger and confusion flashed through Lance’s veins. Why would Pidge and Hunk completely abandon him like that? 

He pulled up his messages again and types out quickly.

**_What happened with Keith?_ **

The reply is almost instant. 

What do you mean? I was waiting to hear from you?

Hear from him? Why would he be waiting for him?

**_What? Why?_ **

His answer comes in the form of a screenshot. It’s Hunk’s messages from the same day he had asked Hunk to put something together. 

He read back his own messages:

**_Hey bro. I know this is kinda not my place lol but are you and Pidge doing anything for Keith’s birthday?_ ** (1:52 AM)

Oh yeah, I’ll talk to Pidge ab it later! (1:53 AM)

All that he remembered but the conversation doesn’t end there. 

After that, stamped with the same date at 7 AM, Hunk’s messages read:

Dude so we were thinking of inviting him out.

Pidge said he really loved that lazer tag thing we did last year so we thought of doing that. 

Then maybe get some drinks and just hang out at his place or something. 

Just wanted to run it by you to find out if you wanted to join us.

His eyebrows furrowed together. When he had just looked at his own messages, those hadn’t been there. Neither had his response:  **_Actually, dude. I was thinking about it...would you guys mind if I hung out with him for a bit just one on one and then we can meet up with you guys later?_ **

What the hell? 

No way he had written that. Even if he’d been dead asleep, he would’ve remembered asking to see Keith today. 

**_Hunk. I never wrote that message_ ** . 

What do you mean?

**_I never saw those messages from you or responded. They’re not even in my phone._ **

Lance…

His phone buzzed again but he didn’t need to know what Hunk had said back. He’s already pieced together the puzzle on his own. Only one person would have access to his phone at that time. 

He looked over at Nyma who had fallen back to sleep next to him. 

“Nyma.” he spoke loudly. She didn’t even move. “Wake up.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! I hope you all are doing well during this chaotic time and staying healthy! my prayers and best wishes are with all of you. I'm superrrr sorry about the long wait on this chapter, school's been kicking my ass recently and this is the first time in a while I've had the time and motivation to write. Anywaysss, hope you enjoyed. Next chapter things get spiccy.


	8. Chapter 8

Nyma woke up to the feeling of the blanket being torn out of her grasp. Sleepily, she grabbed for it again only for it to be yanked harder and further. She let out a gasp as she released the blanket, just as her body threatened to topple over the edge. 

“Wake up.” The sound of her boyfriend’s voice woke her up fully. The bedside lamp was on and casting a shadow over her boyfriend’s face. Even in the dim light, she could make out the angry lines on his face. 

“‘M sorry, was I stealing ‘he blanket?” she slurs out, still sleep drunk. An apology lies on her lips as she rubs her eyes. 

“No. Get up.” 

She blinks, looking up at him. She can safely say she’s never heard him speak to her or anyone else in that tone. He sounds so...cold.

“Lance? Baby, what’s wrong?”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Lance?” she asks again, sitting up now. “Look, whatever it is, we can talk about this.”

“Can we? Can we talk about you going through my phone and messing with not only my life but all of my friend’s lives too?” he grits out. Her stomach drops as he throws his phone down onto the mattress. Immediately, the messages that she had sent to Hunk appear before her. 

“Lance--”

“Save it. I don’t want to hear it.”

“Please, I was just doing what I had to--”

Lance laughs and it’s not the sound she’d grown to love. It’s the opposite of warming and kind. It’s filled with bitterness and anger. It’s so unlike him and it places a stone in the pit of her stomach. 

“You  _ had  _ to make Keith’s birthday miserable for him?!” Lance raises his voice now and all she can hear is him telling her how his siblings always tried to make him angry and never could. He had laughed, saying that his patience had driven them crazy. “I don’t get it! I did  _ everything  _ you wanted. I gave up on parties, on my friends, on  _ Keith-- _ ”

“You still don’t get it, do you?! Why do you think I had to do all of these things?” she threw her head back as tears filled her eyes. He just looked more exasperated. 

“I don’t know, so why don’t you explain it to me?!”

“Because you’re in love with him!” she screamed and tears rushed down her cheeks. Lance froze in place. 

“No I’m not--”

All the energy drains out of him like someone pulled the plug and he sinks into the mattress, his eyes looking down. Realization drops over her like a bucket of ice water. 

“You didn’t know…” she trails and he, after a few seconds, shakes his head. 

“I...I mean--” he sputters and guilt swims in her stomach. 

All this time, she’d thought he’d been aware and just stringing her along to see where this went. But the look he has now, she knows, he didn’t.

“Lance, I’m so sorry.” she says genuinely, she places a hand on his shoulder. “I really thought you knew--”

“It doesn’t matter.” He sighs, shrugging her hand off angrily. “It doesn’t matter because you fucked with my life and ruined everything.”

“Lance, I never made you do anything--”

“Bullshit!” he explodes, “Everything that comes out of your mouth is complete bullshit!” His words switch to Spanish and he’s moving and speaking too fast for her to catch any of it. 

“Lance, can we just--?”

He swings around and she jumps back. 

“You knew I was in love with him and you still fucked around with me. No puedo creer esto. Te odio.” he seethes and she doesn’t need to understand what he’s saying to get the message.

Fury burns in her throat. She thought, maybe they could talk about this, but now it’s clear that isn’t an option. All he wants to do is point the blame on her and she  _ refuses  _ to accept that.

“I never made you do  _ anything  _ you didn’t want to do, Lance! You could’ve broken up with me or told me to fuck off at  _ any point  _ but you didn’t! You chose me, not Keith.  _ You  _ did that, not me!” 

Lance’s face turns bright red and she can’t quite tell if he’s going to cry or hit something. “I hate you.” His words don’t surprise her but  _ God  _ do they hurt. She reels back and almost wishes he  _ had  _ slapped her. Honestly, it probably would’ve hurt less. 

“You don’t--”

“Oh, I do. I hate you, I should’ve never let you take over my life the way I did.” His hands shake as he speaks and tears bead in his eyes. “Get out.”

But she’s still certain that if he could understand, if she could just explain, they could be okay. He could still choose her. 

“Not until we talk--”

“Get. Out.” his teeth are pressed tightly against each other and he looks away from her. She stares at him for another minute, hoping and praying that he’ll meet her gaze and understand. But he doesn’t and so after the minute is over, she is scrambling out of the bed, rushing out the door, not even realizing that she has no shoes or jacket. 

She doesn’t dare to go back for them. 

**_Get dressed._ **

He texts Keith before throwing on a sweater and jeans. Quickly, he grabs three candles and a lighter off his desk and a blanket off his bed and runs out to his car. 

_ It’ll take 10 minutes to get there from here and 15 to get to Keith’s.  _

He drives as fast as he can without getting pulled over. 

He knows, somewhere in his mind, that this isn’t going to fix it all but hell if can’t try his best. He needs to try to get Keith back because if he can’t he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to breathe again. 

In the end, it only take 10 minutes to set up the makeshift picnic and once he’s ensured that none of the candles are going to knock over and light the field up in flames, he runs back to the car.

He has to take about 30 deep breaths before he brings himself to text Keith to come outside. And even then, the breaths do nothing to prepare him for seeing Keith himself.

His hair is a mess but in the best way possible and he’s wearing a t-shirt over jeans. Overall, he shouldn’t look good but he does and Lance finds himself wondering how he’d been so blind. 

His mind reels back to the day he’d told Keith they couldn’t be friends. He remembers the way he wanted to reach out and hold the other boy. He remembered thinking things that his girlfriend would have smacked him for. He remembered that he  _ did  _ know that he was in love with Keith. But he was such an idiot. 

Keith asks him about 2 miles in where they are going. Lance can’t find his voice, he doesn’t trust it yet.

_ Fuck, I should’ve planned this better. _

But in his defense, he had thrown this all together in a flash because his mind was still about 3 minutes behind the rest of him. 

Instead of answering, he pulls his car into the parking lot and parks the car. Keith speaks again:

“Hello?” He sounds angry--so angry. Anger that Lance deserves. In fact, the anger doesn’t even  _ begin  _ to cover what he deserves. 

He needs to look at him, Keith deserves that. So he does. He turns his head and looks at the boy. The boy who is visibly angry, his features are pulled tight into a frown and his eyes are closed off. Lance knows that this should be a scary sight but he can’t help but notice the way Keith’s lips pout slightly and his eyebrows furrow slightly when he’s angry. 

And all he wants to do…

Is kiss him.

And yeah. He should’ve planned this better because before he can stop himself, he’s leaning over the center counsel and grabbing Keith’s face, pressing his lips onto Keith’s.


	9. actions&consequences

His brain catches up to what he’s doing about 3 seconds later and he slaps himself mentally. He pulls himself away from him and curses himself for his lack of grace. 

“Fuck!” he curses aloud, placing both hands on his steering wheel and smacking his forehead into them.  “I’m sorry, that wasn’t the way it was...I had this...whole…” He trails off and he’s  _ lying  _ but he thinks it sounds better to say that he had thought this out. He had not planned on assaulting his best friend the first second he was alone with him but somehow this is where he was. 

“Whole...whole what?” Keith stutters beside him and Lance can’t bring himself to look at him again. Instead, he pulls the key out of the ignition and opens his door. 

Keith doesn’t follow him or even move slightly so Lance clears his throat and prompts him: “Come here.” He hopes it doesn’t sound as aggressive as he fears it does. Keith hesitates once again and Lance wants to cry. 

But Keith jumps out of the car and now Lance can see his eyes in the dim light of the parking lot and he really wants to kiss him again. But he turns on his heel and leads the way down the field. The field where they had learned each other. Where they had studied each other’s history’s instead of American history. Where they had acted like idiots and where Lance had realized that he wanted Keith in his life from that moment on. 

He looks over at Keith and finds that he can't read his expression but he doesn't look that angry anymore so he'll assume that's progress.

“It’s...it’s not much, it’s kind of crappy because it was last minute but. I just...you told me that you didn’t have a party and that you spent all day alone and I just knew I had to do something for you.” It’s lame, so so lame, but he figures it’s better than nothing, right? 

The hope in his chest deflates when Keith speaks.

“What about Nyma?” Keith speaks up after a beat of silence and just hearing her name make anger flare through him as he kicks the dirt with his old sneaker. He keeps his gaze fixed on the dirt as he speaks.

“Nyma and I...well it’s a long story but I figured some things out and well...Nyma and I, we broke up.” Again, it’s less than Keith deserves but this isn’t about Nyma and him, it’s about him and Keith. 

Keith lets out a small “oh” and then, “So...so that’s what this is? You...you’re lonely so you decided to mess around with me?” Lance’s eyes pop out of his skull at that. Of all the ways he pictured this going, he never imagined that Keith would think that.

“What...no! That’s not--I didn’t mean--” No, no, no. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

“I think I know exactly what you mean.” How was this getting worse? Lance feels like the ground is slipping out from underneath him, dirt filling in his mouth every time he flops it open trying to explain. “Well, no, that’s not how this works. You don’t get to decide when you want me and when I should just disappear! I’m not just some toy for you to play with when you get bored!”

“Keith--” Please. Let me explain.

“Just take me home Lance. Today has been horrible enough without me having to listen to your dumb excuses” Keith turns his body away from Lance and the candles and the blanket.

_ Please, just hear me out. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. _

“Keith, no, please just listen to me, okay? This wasn’t supposed to be--” Lance pleads, reaching out for Keith’s shoulder. 

He twists quickly out of Lance’s reach and backs up in the direction of the car. “Fine. If you won’t take me home, I’ll walk.” And with that, he’s turning on his heel and marching through the grass.

Lance wants to chase after him, wants him to listen, wants to breakdown and tell him everything. But he made this bed now he has to lie in it. So he just stands there and watches as Keith walks away and ignores the fact that he feels like his heart is being torn out of his chest. 

Slowly, he makes his way into the car. Once the door shuts, he slams his hand into the steering wheel and a sob wrecks its way out of his body. Then it really starts and his whole body is shaking. Time slips away and all he can feel is the pain in his chest, sending tremors to every part of his body. 

He doesn’t exactly remember how long he sits there or how he ends up in front of Pidge’s dorm but that's where he finds himself as she pulls him onto her bed.

And all he can think as Pidge hugs him is 

_ I don’t deserve this. _


End file.
